Offsite-Twilight:Breaking Dawn Part One-Suck This


Here at Behind the Thrills, we love us some Theme Parks. No doubt about it. However, there is a great big world out there, and sometimes we need to take a step out of the parks and look at something else. Join us as we take a look outside of the world of theme parks and into the world of movies, music, television, hotels…pretty much anything else we happen to stumble across.
However whatever we look at will have some relation to the theme park world, granted not directly…but in a round about sort of way.
So join us now as we lift up the harnesses, put down our cup of Butterbeer and take a walk…Offsite.

This week’s Offsite Adventure-Twilight Breaking Dawn Part One

Greetings one and all. Twilight has become somewhat of a phenomenon over the past 4 or so years. For those of you living under a rock and not privy to the whole Twilight Saga, here’s a brief summation. Twilight started out as a series of books by Stephanie Meyer a self-professed Mormon. The books follows a young girl named Bella as she moves in with her father after a divorce to a Northwest American town where it’s constantly raining and overcast. She meets a group of people no one talks to, and falls in love with one of their kind named Edward. Edward is a vampire, but in this world vampires sparkle in the sun, not perish. In this town is also a race of Native American Werewolves, though they’re more like giant dogs and go “poof I’m a wolf”. One of the werewolves, Jacob, loves Bella, Edward loves Bella, and Bella just likes the attention. Madness ensues as Bella and Edward have a forbidden love, more vampires come to kill Bella, and Edward and the wolves kill the bad vampires. Did I mention that these are veggie vampires that eat animals, not humans? Yeah…Three movies go by, and Edward pledges his love forever to Bella, but the only way to be together forever is to turn her into a vampire. He doesn’t want to make her a monster, but there are some older more powerful vampires that Edward is afraid of that says that she has to be turned, or die. So being old fashioned, Edward wants Bella to be his bride and waits for her to finish high school. Oh, also forgot, the vampires have ESP and can read people’s thoughts. So Jacob is still the third wheel, Bella and Edward are getting married, but she still likes being a cocktease to Jacob. That’s about it. It’s a hugely successful series among teenage girls, older soccer mom types who still fantasize about younger men, and young gay men.

It relates to theme parks how?

Thankfully it has nothing to do with theme parks, though the films “Edward” is Robert Pattinson who starred in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Harry Potter is now the world’s most successful theme park expansions, and is a series of books that became movies…so based on that similarity many fans think that Twilight, a movie and book series about Abercrombie and Fitch style veggie vampires in the real world, needs it’s own theme park land. Let’s remind everyone what horror author and well respected man Stephen King said about the two series:

“Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing
what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it
is to have a boyfriend.”

Is the movie good?

I want to start this part by saying I’ve not read the books, I’m not really a fan of the films and the only thing that got me watching the films were the Bill and Ted Halloween Adventure references in the 2009 show. “I know what you are Edward….YOU’RE GAY!” went down as an instant classic line. I want to also say that from here on in I will be writing in language that is not very family friendly, as the only way to describe the film is to be completely honest and use terms like “Bug Shit” and “fucktarded”. I apologize if this offends you, or if you are a fan of the books. But honestly, I really don’t care what you think of this article. On the same token, I’m sure the fact that I’m writing this “review” as it were, will have no impact on whether or not you’ll see the film. What I say will make no difference, I’m no movie critic and this film will make tons of money despite itself.

So, Breaking Dawn is the continuation of the series. It was broken up into two parts, not because the story is so vast and needs that extra time to be told…it was done to be a complete and total cash grab. Why get one weekend of record breaking box office when you can get two?

Here there be spoilers


So the movie starts off soon after the first one. Bella and Edward are getting married. Jacob finds out, rips his shirt off turns into a dog and runs away. The wedding goes down, Jacob shows up and finds out Bella and Edward are planning to have sex before turning Bella into a vampire. Jacob goes apeshit and runs away again. Bella and Edward go on their honeymoon on a remote island and Edward bangs Bella. Apparently he doesn’t know what the term “Please be gentle” means as he basically bruises and batters the hell out of her. Can you imagine what he’s doing to her insides if her outsides look like she had a fight with Mike Tyson? Edward is disgusted by his treatment of Bella, and swears off any further sexual touching of Bella. Bella isn’t having any of it and wants cold vampire penis so bad that she pretty much attacks him. If they weren’t married, it’d be date rape. Bella is instantly pregnant, and becomes instantly sick because what just happened isn’t supposed to happen. It’s a scientific impossibility, because all of Edwards sperm should be dead. They’re not, and now there’s a vampire child eating Bella alive. They go back home to the Cullens, Jacob finds out, calls the thing an abomination, and pretty much brings the wrath of the other werewolf dogs down upon Bella. He feels bad, betrays his own kind, and a bit of a war ensues. Meanwhile, the Cullen clan is torn on whether or not Bella should have the child because it’s an unholy demon union. This all ends when the vampire side of the child comes out and starts talking to Edward. The baby is then ready to be born during a huge wolfdog thing stand off and Bella pretty much dies giving birth. All the other vampires haven’t been eating because of the wolf thing stand off and go apeshit at the site of Bella’s blood. So it’s up to Edward to eat his way into Bella’s uterus to save the baby. Bella dies, then is reborn a vampire. Oh, by the way, Jacob does something called “imprinting” on the new baby and decides to stop having a crush on Bella and instead decides to crush on the new baby. He wants to raise the baby and fuck it. Yeah…..seriously.

The story itself is so ridiculous and bad. It makes no sense a lot of the time and you really have to suspend belief far too much. The acting here is phoned in, and the make up seems way too noticeable. Example…you have Caucasian people and grey people which represents the vampires. If they are with other vampires, it looks okay, but if they are with humans it’s terrible. But I’m not going to pick apart the acting. It’s bad. It really is. But the whole movie itself is so bad that it stops being bad and becomes amazingly good.

Let me clarify.

Remember Rocky Horror Picture Show? That film is so fucking batshit insane and it’s really horrible…but people love it. They dress up, they know all the lines, they shout horrible things back to the screen. It’s a film everyone loves to hate. Breaking Dawn has the potential to become a film of that caliber! The whole film is so fucking batshit insane, and just god awful bad that it becomes laughable. I found it so hard to contain myself in the scene where Edward eats Bella out….to save the child…..that I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing like a giggling idiot. There were so many different things I wanted to shout back to the screen and so many things I wanted to say. But I was in a sold out theater….being only one of four men in the theater, I found it best to keep my mouth shut.

I’d tell you not to see this movie, but it’s something so deliciously awful that you need to see it. It deserves to be seen in a theater, at midnight after consuming large portions of alcohol, with a group of people “shadowing” the performance on screen. Props need to be involved, and there needs to be half naked women…and men dressed up as women. It’s that goddamned wonderful!

It is extremely easy to not like this movie from my standpoint, it really is. But as a lover of film this movie just is not made like a blockbuster film. It’s made like a cheap 70’s exploitation film, right down to the end credits. It’s bad acting, bad effects, bad CGI, terrible writing and just wonderfully put together in an amazing train wreck of a mess. Breaking Dawn 2 comes out next year sometime, and it’s going to be interesting to see what exactly can top this bugnut fuck fest of swirling dog shit insanity. And you do need to stay after the credits, because something big goes down with those ancient Italian vampires.

The film is rated PG13, and includes sexual content, adult situations, violence, blood and insane fucktarded, bedwetting hilarity.

Oh, and this version of Twilight is much better, and no baby lovin!